The Morning Show Daily Dad Joke, weekdays just before 8:00.

9/5/25 – Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.

9/4/25 – Some people believe the number 666 is all evil. If that’s true, then 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.

9/3/25 – Apparently, 30% of pet owners let their pets sleep in their beds. So, I figured I’d try it. I woke up the next morning and my goldfish was dead.

9/2/25 – Did you know that Dr. Pepper is an actual doctor. It’s true. He’s a Fizz-ician.

9/1/25 – No joke on Labor Day

8/29/25 – What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats.

8/28/25 – When you buy a Tesla, you’ll notice they don’t have that “new car smell.” They have an Elon musk.

8/27/25 – A new study has shown that women who are slightly overweight live longer than men who mention it.

8/26/25 – When I was a kid, I used to pray for a bicycle. Then I went to Sunday school and learned that’s not how prayer works. So, I stole a bike. And prayed for forgiveness.

8/25/25 – How do you make the number one disappear?

You just add a G, and it’s gone.

8/22/25 – I hired a kid to paint my porch.  Afterwards, when he came to get paid, he said, “By the way, that was a BMW, not a Porsche.”

8/21/25 – Last weekend I installed a high voltage electric fence around my property. My neighbor is dead against it.

8/20/25 – What word can be made shorter by adding 2 letters?

Short

8/19/25 – What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

“It’s Christmas, Eve!”

8/18/25 – What do mermaids use to wash their fins?

Tide.

8/15/25 – I came home and heard my wife yelling at the television. “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church you moron!” She was watching our wedding video again.

8/14/25 – My wife called me and said, “Don’t forget to pick up chips and salsa after work, you jerk.” And then hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.

8/13/25 – The name Lance is not very common these days. But in medieval times, people were called Lance a lot.

8/12/25 – What do you call a magician who has lost his magic?

Ian

8/11/25 – What pronouns does chocolate use?

Her/she

8/8/25 – What’s the worst insult you can give a ghost?

“Get a life.”

8/7/25 – Why aren’t dogs allowed at bars?

They can’t control their licker.

8/6/25 – What generation does Forrest Gump belong to?

Gen-A   (if you haven’t seen the movie, someone might need to explain this one to you!)

8/5/25 – I had a physical the other day. I told my wife the doctor said I was a beast. She said, “No, he said you were obese.”

8/4/25 – What happens when you slap Dwayne Johnson’s butt?

You’ve hit rock bottom.

8/1/25 – I saw my therapist the other day. I don’t know what HD is, but she says I have eighty of them.

7/31/25 – I went to a wedding the other day. It was beautiful. Very moving. Even the cake was in tiers.

7/30/25 – Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside? I’ve got about 50 wooden balls already.

7/29/25 – Did you hear that Spiderman has a winter jacket made entirely of Mediterranean flatbread?

It’s a pita parka.

7/28/25 – What do you call two witches sharing an apartment?

Broommates

7/25/25 – A guy tried to sell me a coffin yesterday. I said, “That’s the last thing I need.”

7/24/25 – I said to my wife, “If you won millions of dollars in the lottery, would you still love me?” She said, “Of course I would.  I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

7/23/25 – At the age of 65, my grandmother started walking 5 miles a day, every day. She’s 92 now. We have no idea where she is.

7/22/25 – How do you make a waterbed more bouncy?

Fill it with spring water.

7/21/25 – I’ve always heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell. Looking at it now, I see why.   (I C Y)

7/18/25 – In the U.S., we use an elevator. But in Britain, they use a lift. I guess we’re just raised differently.

7/17/25 – If a king sleeps on a king mattress, and a queen sleeps on a queen mattress, what does a prince sleep on?

An heir mattress.

7/16/25 – The man who invented the throat lozenge dies last week. At his funeral, there was no “coffin.”

7/15/25 – I hired a handyman and gave him a list of things to do. When I got home, he had only done items 1, 3 and 5. He said, “I only do odd jobs.”

7/14/25 – A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma. She woke up after about ten months and immediately asked the doctor, “What about my baby?” The doctor says, “Oh, you actually had twins! And they’re fine. In fact, your brother named them.” The woman says, “Oh no! Not my brother. He’s an idiot. What did he name the girl?” The doctor says, “Denise.” The woman says, “Oooh, that’s actually a nice name. What about the boy?” The doctor says, “De-nephew.”

7/11/25 – What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta

7/10/25 – How do you organize a space party?

You planet

7/9/25 – No joke. Forgetfulness strikes again.

7/8/25 – I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

7/7/25 – Where’s the best place to store your dad jokes?

In a dada-base

7/4/25 – Off for the holiday.

7/3/25 – I got a new dog. I named him Five Miles.  Now I can tell people I walk Five Miles every day.

7/2/25 – What do you call a moose with no name?

Anony-moose

7/1/25 – I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.

6/30/25 – Canadians.  Give ’em an inch, they’ll take 2.54 centimeters.

6/27/25 – I was shopping for a couch, and the salesman said, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.” I said, “Where the heck am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

6/26/25 – What happens when a microscope crashes into a telescope?

You get a collide-a-scope.

6/25/25 – Three golf clubs walk into a bar. The putter ordered a beer. The sand wedge says, “I’ll have a tequila.” The third club says, “Nothing for me. I’m the driver.”

6/19/25 – Why did the crab cross the road?

It didn’t. It used the “side walk.”

6/18/25 – Why did the non-binary prospector head west?

There was gold in them/their hills.

6/17/25 – I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made an appointment for next Tuesday.

6/16/25 – It seems they will put anything on TV these days. I see they’re going to air the World Origami Championship. It’s on paper view.

6/13/25 – Ther other day I was sitting in traffic. Which is probably why I got run over.

6/12/25 – Nick had a rough morning and forgot to do a joke. He is very ashamed and will try to remember tomorrow.

6/11/25 – A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow, “Mind if I say a word?” She says, “Please do.” The man clears his throat and says, “Bargain.” The widow replies, “Thank you. That means a great deal.”

6/10/25 – I’ve been working at the bicycle factory for 6 months, and I just got promoted. I’m now the spokes person.

6/9/25 – What do you call a man who can’t stand?

Neil

6/6/25 – I bought a pair of shoes with memory foam insoles. But they don’t work. I still forget why I walked into the kitchen.

6/5/25 – Have you ever wondered why the corners of a hockey rink are rounded?

If they were 90 degrees, the ice would melt.

6/4/25 – If Jesus were around today, what kind of car would he drive?

A Christ-ler.

6/3/25 – What do dentists call their x-rays?

Tooth pics.

6/2/25 – I was interviewing for a job as a salesman. The guy handed me his laptop and said, “Try and sell this to me.” So I took it and left. He called me and said,” Hey! I want my laptop back!”  I said, “For $200 it’s yours.”

5/30/25 – What is a plumber’s least favorite vegetable?

Leeks.

5/29/25 – Why was the baby jalapeno shivering?

She was a little chili.

5/28/25 – What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?

Eileen.

5/27/25 – What do you call a hen who counts her own eggs?

A mathema-chicken.

5/23/25 – My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of tequila. She yelled “You are coming home right now!” I said, “No, I’m not.” She said, “I was talking to the kids.”

5/22/25 – My wife says I have two major faults. I don’t listen, and…  something else…

5/21/25 – What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats.

5/20/25 – What do you call a rabbit with fleas?

Bugs bunny.

5/19/25 – I have a horse named Mayo. And when he gets excited, Mayo neighs.

5/16/25 – What did Elvis say to his landscaper?

Thank you. Thank you for the mulch.

5/15/25 – Did you know that 10 plus 10 and 11 plus 11 equal the same thing?  10 plus 10 is twenty. 11 plus 11 is twenty-too.

5/14/25 – I got fired from the bank today. A woman asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her.

5/13/25 – My grandfather was terrible, until my first child was born. Then he was a great-grandfather.

5/12/25 – Yup, Nick forgot to do a joke again.

5/9/25 – What does a vegetarian zombie eat?

GRAAAAIIINS!

5/8/25 – no joke today

5/7/25 – What does the groundhog in France see on Groundhog Day?

His chateau.

5/6/25 – What sound does a sleeping T-Rex make?

A dino-snore.

5/5/25 – What’s the difference between George Washington and a duck?

One has a bill on his face… the other has his face on a bill.

5/2/25 – If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, what would he be famous for?

Old age.

5/1/25 – Two women are sitting, enjoying some wine. The first woman says, “Where’s your husband?” The second woman says, “In the garden.” The first woman says, “I didn’t see him.” The second woman says, “You have to dig a little.”

4/30/25 – What is the scariest plant in the forest?

Bam-BOO!

4/29/25 – If an orchestra gets struck by lightning, who is most likely to get hit?

The conductor.

4/28/25 – I got an email explaining how to read maps backwards.

It was spam.

4/25/25 – Nick was so excited about the weekend, he forgot to do a joke. He is being punished accordingly.

4/24/25 – Which country has the fastest growing capital city in the world?

Ireland. Its capital city is Dublin.

4/23/25 – What do you call a paper airplane that doesn’t fly?

Stationary.

4/22/25 – I’ve got two dogs I’ve named Calvin and Klein.

They’re Boxers.

4/21/25 – I came across a genie in a bottle. I rubbed the bottle and out popped the genie who said, “What is your first wish?” I said, “I want to be rich!” The genie said, “Done! What is your second wish, Rich?”

4/18/25 – I went to the grocery store and bought a banana, and apple and two eggs. The cashier looked at me and said, “You must be single.” I said, “Wow. How did you know that?” She said, “Because you’re so ugly.”

4/17/25 – I ate a kid’s meal at McDonalds yesterday. His mom got really angry.

4/16/25 – What do you call a nun who sleepwalks?

A roamin’ Catholic.

4/15/25 – I stole my girlfriend’s wheelchair when she dumped me. Guess who came crawling back?

4/14/25 – I had a date yesterday. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a fig.

4/11/25 – I told my psychiatrist that I have a phobia. It’s a fear of getting married. He said, “Do you know what your symptoms are?” I said, “I can’t say I do.”

4/10/25 – A genie told me I had three wishes. I said, “I wish for a world with no lawyers.” The genie said “Done. You have no more wishes.” I said, “Wait, you said I get three wishes.” The genie said, “So sue me.”

4/9/25 – I just read a list of 100 things to do before you die. Surprisingly, “yell for help” was not one of them.

4/8/25 – You think gas and electric bills are expensive? Have you seen chimneys? They’re through the roof.

4/7/25 – My son Luke loves that we named all of our children after Star Wars characters.  My Daughter Chewbacca, not so much.

4/4/25 – I recently lost 3 fingers in a work accident. At the hospital I asked the doctor, “Will I be able to drive with this hand?” The doctor said, “Maybe. But I wouldn’t count on it.”

4/3/25 – A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and says, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.”  The patient says, “Ten what, Doc? Days? Weeks? Months?” The doctor looks at his watch and says, “Nine…”

4/2/25 – Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed?

Everybody

4/1/25 – What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath?

Bubble 0 7

3/31/25 – What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?

A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.

3/28/25 – Last weekend I was hospitalized after a serious peek-a-boo accident. They put me in the I.C.U.

3/27/25 – A priest, a pastor and a rabbit enter a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asks the rabbit “What’s your blood type?” The rabbit says, “I think I’m a type-o.”

3/26/25 – We’ve all heard of Murphy’s Law, which says that whatever can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?

It’s thinly shredded cabbage.

3/25/25 – How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?

Nothing. It’s on the house.

3/24/25 – Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they’re really, really good at it.

3/21/25 – What do you call a lazy kangaroo?

A pouch potato.

3/20/25 – Nick forgot to do a joke…  🙁

3/19/25 – What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?

A stick.

3/18/25 – What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?

A nectarine.

3/17/25 – Who won the neck decorating contest?

It was tie.

3/14/25 – My wife and I can never decide where to go on vacation. So, she hung up a map and told me to throw a dart at it. “Wherever the dart lands,” she said, “is where we’ll go.”  This summer we’re spending a week behind the fridge.

3/13/25 – What do you call a pencil with erasers on both ends?

Pointless.

3/12/25 – What’s the best part of living in Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. 

3/11/25 – A son tells his father, “Dad, I have an imaginary girlfriend!” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” The son says, “Thanks dad, that means a lot.” The dad shakes his head and says, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”

3/10/25 – Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?

Because a toothbrush works better.

3/7/25 – When I was a kid, my parents sat me down and told me I was adopted. I said, “I want to meet my biological parents.” My dad looked confused, and then said, “WE are your biological parents. Now go pack your stuff, the new ones will be here in 20 minutes.”

3/6/25 – My dad was born a conjoined twin, but they were separated at birth. So, I have an uncle once removed.

3/5/25 – Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket?  He said, “Watch how far I can kick this bucket.”

3/4/25 – An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.

3/3/25 – I built a model of Mt. Everest, and my son asked if it was to scale. I said “No, it’s just to look at.”

2/28/25 – When I die, I definitely want to be cremated. It will be my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.

2/27/25 – At a job interview, I was asked “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” I said, “I’m pretty sure we’ll still be using mirrors in 5 years.”

2/26/25 – What do you call a wizard who is really bad at football?

Fumbledore

2/25/25 – What is a lawyer’s favorite drink?

A subpoena colada.

2/24/25 – What is Forrest Gump’s password?

1forrest1

2/20/25 – This morning, I found a wooden shoe in my toilet.

It was clogged.

2/19/25 – Who were the greenest presidents in U.S. history?

The Bushes.

2/18/25 – What is the difference between slapping someone and a jalapeno?

One is assault. The other is a pepper.

2/17/25 – What is made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

Trombones.

2/14/25 – What has five toes and is NOT your foot?

My foot.

2/13/25 – My wife yelled down to me from upstairs, “Do you ever get a sharp pain in your chest like someone has a Voo-doo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”  I yelled back “No.”  There was a pause, and then she yelled “How about now?”

2/12/25 – I joined a support group for people who talk too much.

It’s called On and On Anon.

2/11/25 – I started playing silent tennis. It’s just like regular tennis, but without the racquet.

2/10/25 – Nick was stupid and forgot to do a dad joke this morning.

2/7/25 – What did Obi Wan Kenobi say to Luke when he was struggling with his chopsticks?

“Use the fork, Luke.”

2/6/25 – What do you call a fly that has no wings?

A walk.

2/5/25 – I went to a zoo, and I saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.

2/4/25 – A woman rode past me on a bike, and I yelled “Cow!”  She turned around and gave me the finger, then plowed her bike right into the cow.

2/3/25 – I invented a mind-controlled air freshener.  It makes scents when you think about it.

1/31/25 – I went to the doctor. He said stop eating anything fatty.  I said, “You mean like hamburgers?”  He said, “No, stop eating ANYTHING, fatty!”

1/30/25 – What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Flop.

1/29/25 – What do morticians order at a Mexican restaurant?

Morgue-aritas.

1/28/25 – What did the fish say when it swam right into a concrete wall?

Dam.

1/27/25 – What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

Supplies!

1/24/25 – What is red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

1/23/25 – I have a pen that can write underwater.

It can write lots of other words too.

1/22/25 – What kind of lizard is the funniest?

A stand-up chameleon.

1/21/25 – What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?

A can’t opener.

1/20/25 – We were off for the MLK holiday. No joke today.

1/17/25 – What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

1/16/25 -What did the horse say when it tripped?

Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!

1/15/25 – What happens if you replace your rooster with a duck?

You wake up at the quack of dawn.